Today would have been eight years of marriage. It doesn’t get any easier. The years keep going and I keep trudging behind.

https://youtu.be/-qwRjPpHFbg

I think perhaps I’m so anxious that my personality is dull.

That I come across as crass or sharped edged.

I’m far too colorful, or my interest are not quite good enough.

Anxiety my old friend.

Why can’t I meet new friends?

Without the fear of looking like a giant head on a little body, or a giant body with a small brain.

You lurk in the shadows on my shoulder.

That I’m a little too misshapen, not quite the straight and narrow.. not quite the right shape to fit in.

I just want friends.

When my laughter tumbles out.. after a misguided joke..and there’s nothing but silence ..

I want comfort, and coffee and laughter. People to want to be around.

But I have this shadow of a doubt that no one really wants that from me.

I tend to lapse into solitude for fear of rejection..anxiety my old friend.

-TH Fragments36 10/01/18

Today is hopeful that I haven’t thought of you as much.

That my mind hasn’t wondered to that day.

My words autocorrected hasn’t to haunt and that is the closest thing to how I feel.

Your death haunts me daily.

I miss you daily.

I retreat into memory far to often. I shouldn’t have joined the search party but needed to find you.

The guilt for leaving you was eating me alive.

I had to find you to tell you I still loved you.

I had to know you were okay.

I knew deep down you weren’t I felt it in my bones.

I didn’t think it was going to be me that found your body.

I didn’t realize how long that would stay with me.

How I would still see your face every day but not the face I want to remember.

I only remember you in death.

I find a good memory and then that horrible image shreds into my images.

You had been there over a month.

I loved you so so much and I’ve never ached more seeing your lifeless body hidden in the trees.

We know your story will never be told.

They ruled it a suicide.

Your shoes were gone…that has always stuck with me..why did you walk in the stickers? Thorns? Climb the tree? How?

The people that were with you left you out there for a month and knew?

Nothing adds up…

No one will talk .

No one cared that you had a family that people loved you.

I loved you ..I never stopped loving you..I was just so damn mad at you.

I never got to tell you that.

That I still loved you so much.

You died thinking that I didn’t.

If there is some kind of afterlife.

I hope you seen me find you. That I searched for you. I spent hours upon hours walking miles searching land with the search party..a small group of family and friends. We didn’t give up on you baby like so many others did.

I found you though. My heart never really left you. In the end I was there and I brought you home.

It’s been almost a year. I think of you daily. I still feel a deep sense of melancholy. I still ache. I still can’t make sense of why this happened.

I don’t think I ever will.

The shrill beep followed by gas low.

Every single morning waiting for their bus.

Pride hard to sustain when pockets are empty.

I just want them to have it easier.

To be able to buy a simple school photo package without giving up a tank of gas.

Fragments36 9/26/18

I think the whole purpose taking to an anonymous blog is the lack of humanity and compassion on most social platforms.

Kindness just doesn’t exist in the walls anymore.

Voices are harsh and lack reason.

I am guilty of this myself.

I tire of watching those I love in their own cycled abuses. I can be harsh.

I have those cycles myself and tremble at my own vulnerabilities.

I know we are all human. I crave human interaction. I also crave solitude.

I am a solid wall of vulnerability. I have built this structure from trauma and heartache.

Is there someone even in there anymore?

Spending each day trying to heal from things you don’t discuss in social circles..

or those things your close friends seem tired of hearing you bring up time and again.

Those little pangs of heartache that rise right as your eyes flutter closed before sleep.

Keeping your mind running for another two or three solid hours.

Rest never seems to happen when your heart hurts. Rest never happens anymore.

Lonely surrounded by people that either could care less if you exist or hardly notice.

I have two solid souls in this world that undoubtedly love me and I fail them daily.

Why is it so hard to become the things I strive to be? I wish I could love more and yell less.

I want my heart to stop aching so that I can keep others safe from breaking.

Depression is a cruel shadow. It lingers and never leaves.

One of the first songs he ever dedicated to me when we dated as teenagers. Hearing this performed live brings tears to my eyes. I miss having a love so strong so overwhelming every fiber in me aches. We were so young and naive. Even now as years have passed I still love him. The world has moved on and so has he. I don’t think I’ll ever love like that again. So uninhibited and pure without fear it was almost carnal at times. There’s just too much negative now. I have a whole world to protect and there’s too many monsters out there.

Nothing much makes sense after divorce. I spent much of my young life with these ideals of what married life was supposed to be and how one day I was going to have this life wrapped up in a perfect silver bow. Perfect life..perfect family. Instead I married and lost. I’ve felt hurt beyond repair.

Over the years I’ve learned to place less value in friendship. Those people that I thought would be around forever have slowly dwindled into a small circle and even those I don’t see as often.

Family has been my sole focus primarily my children. I do what I can to see them grow up well. They are surrounded by a strong foundation including my own family.

When it all comes down to it that’s what it’s all about. When everything is set to the side. Love and family.