Today is hopeful that I haven’t thought of you as much.
That my mind hasn’t wondered to that day.
My words autocorrected hasn’t to haunt and that is the closest thing to how I feel.
Your death haunts me daily.
I miss you daily.
I retreat into memory far to often. I shouldn’t have joined the search party but needed to find you.
The guilt for leaving you was eating me alive.
I had to find you to tell you I still loved you.
I had to know you were okay.
I knew deep down you weren’t I felt it in my bones.
I didn’t think it was going to be me that found your body.
I didn’t realize how long that would stay with me.
How I would still see your face every day but not the face I want to remember.
I only remember you in death.
I find a good memory and then that horrible image shreds into my images.
You had been there over a month.
I loved you so so much and I’ve never ached more seeing your lifeless body hidden in the trees.
We know your story will never be told.
They ruled it a suicide.
Your shoes were gone…that has always stuck with me..why did you walk in the stickers? Thorns? Climb the tree? How?
The people that were with you left you out there for a month and knew?
Nothing adds up…
No one will talk .
No one cared that you had a family that people loved you.
I loved you ..I never stopped loving you..I was just so damn mad at you.
I never got to tell you that.
That I still loved you so much.
You died thinking that I didn’t.
If there is some kind of afterlife.
I hope you seen me find you. That I searched for you. I spent hours upon hours walking miles searching land with the search party..a small group of family and friends. We didn’t give up on you baby like so many others did.
I found you though. My heart never really left you. In the end I was there and I brought you home.
It’s been almost a year. I think of you daily. I still feel a deep sense of melancholy. I still ache. I still can’t make sense of why this happened.
I don’t think I ever will.